Too Slow, Too Soon

This time last year I was having regular panic attacks and existential crises. I won't go into detail because if I think about life and death for longer than 3 seconds, I start to completely freak out. The general gist however, is that I didn't know what I was doing with my life, what I wanted to do with my life or if the things I had already done in my life were the right things to do.

I started drafting this blog post around that time. I made notes about how lost and isolated I felt, how I wanted more of a social life and that my biggest fear is wasting however long it is that I have on this planet.

I was wondering if my life had slowed down too early. I left uni at 20, moved back in with my parents and immediately got a job, leaving little to no room for fun, a social life or opportunities to make silly mistakes. My social media is flooded with people my age living in big cities, partying on weekends, travelling the world, making friends and working towards or at their dream careers. At the time I I began writing this, I still lived with my parents, hadn't been out since my friend's birthday party two years prior, was spending the majority of my life in my bedroom not talking to anyone, being miserable at my 9-5 and having no real idea of what my dream career actually was, other than the unrealistic goal of becoming a world-renowned author.

Since then, my boyfriend and I have bought a gorgeous house in a gorgeous area, adopted the two most adorable and chaotic kittens in the world and have started building a life together after five years of being on-and-off long-distance. I have done what a lot of people in my generation are likely many years away from doing and I am so beyond privileged and grateful. In saying that, there is still a part of me that feels a sort of FOMO and a worry that I grew up too quickly. I'm only in my 20s. This is the time to try new things, make mistakes and have fun and I'm worried I'll waste the opportunity to do so whilst I'm still young.

However, I've never particularly liked clubbing and stopped going out on a regular basis after the first lockdown hit half-way through my first year of uni. So why do I feel jealous seeing pictures of people out with their friends in dark, dingy clubs that would probably send me into a meltdown? The same goes living in the middle of a massive city that is probably loud, busy and a commuting nightmare, but it looks so fun to be able to stumble home after going to the aforementioned clubs and not need to spend £20 on a taxi because you're in walking/public transport distance. I'd love to be able to travel but we instead prioritised spending our savings on the house, have jobs that only allow for limited time off and now have cats to take care of. The dichotomy of craving to make new friends and having a large group of people to laugh with, but being too scared, awkward and anxious to actually interact with anyone that you don't already know is infuriating and paralysing to my social life. Finally, again, my only real "dream" would be to be able to live off my love of writing but even that seems daunting to me as I have no idea where to start, it's highly improbable and I know that once writing becomes a necessary task, rather than a fun hobby, my brain will lose all inspiration and interest. I'm also too burnt out from my 9-5 to actually make it a reality.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I may want these things, and they're perfectly fine things to want, but I need to stop comparing my life to everyone else's. The other day, one of my best friends declared to me that I'd "made it". She's right, I have. I have made it. I have a boyfriend whom I love with almost every cell of my being, the other cells are reserved for loving the cats that we've only had for two weeks, but I am already beyond obsessed with, and we are homeowners. This very evening, we went for a walk and explored through woodlands and meadows that are literally 2 minutes away from us and I got to soak up the last hour of today's sunlight and warmth. As we sat on a bench listening to the birdsong and taking pictures of the view, I felt more at peace with my life than I have done in years. There are always going to be aspects I want to change, friends I want to make, experiences I want to have, but I need to start fully appreciating what I have already acquired and achieved.

There's no one right way to live life and I can always make it more exciting with clubbing and travel and making and falling out with friends in the future. But from now on, I will always have this little slice of peaceful, calm heaven that I get to call home.

How lucky I am.