I am Autistic

On Friday 23rd June 2023, at the age of 23, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

I'd had suspicions for around a year after a discussion with my friends. It started off as me saying that I thought I might have ADHD and one of them informed me that she'd always thought I was autistic, pretty much from the first time she met me 2 years prior. My other friend supported this and all of us sat on my boyfriend's bed until about 2am discussing anything and everything to do with mental health, neurodivergence and trauma. It was an enlightening, and quite healing, conversation and was the first time anyone had suggested that I may be autistic. Really, it was the trigger that got the ball rolling.

After a few weeks of denial and heavily relating to some #Autism TikToks, I started to do some actual research. I ended up hyper-fixating on ASD, its symptoms, the benefits and downsides of getting a diagnosis and what to actually do about it. A few months down the line, I came to terms with the probability that I was indeed autistic.

I can't quite describe the emotions that came along with that realisation; some relief, a bit of anger, but if I'm totally honest, mostly sadness. I began to mourn the person that I could have been if someone, anyone, had noticed the signs earlier. How well I could have done at school/uni had I received the proper support. The times I could have stuck up for myself when people made fun of the things I did/said and called me weird but could never really pinpoint why. The nights I spent analysing every little thing I had done and said during the day and, for the life of me, not understanding why people thought I was strange or annoying and curating my "personality" in a desperate attempt to avoid the eye rolls and whispers from others.

I mourned for the little girl who spent so long feeling so lost and alone, playing by herself because it was easier and safer than playing with others, but not understanding why.

I spent a few weeks crying to my boyfriend about my past, present and future, terrified of what this meant for me and those around me. After many hours of discussion, and probably a litre or two of tears, I decided to get referred for an assessment.

I spent days making a list of the majority of my symptoms and how ASD affects my life every day, collecting sources and resources and completing the necessary (and some extra, just in case) questionnaires. I booked an appointment with my GP and asked for a referral to Psychiatry UK through Right to Choose.

Right to Choose is something that everyone in England is eligible for, but very few know about. It allows you to get a private physical/mental health assessment with the hospital or service of your choice, but the NHS pays for it. This in itself comes with its own positives and negatives but, most of all, it allows you to bypass the 2-4 year waiting lists that most local NHS Trusts have at the moment. Here's a link if you want to read more on this: https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/about-the-nhs/your-choices-in-the-nhs/

I'm thinking of making another blog post that goes into every article I looked at, all the tests I took, what the assessment process was like etc. to help others through it all, so let me know if that's something you guys want.

Armed with my envelope of symptoms, I basically talked at the poor GP for 5 minutes straight. I'd heard too many stories of people (especially girls/AFAB people) being turned away and having their issues be dismissed or misdiagnosed as hormonal issues, anxiety, depression, BPD, Bipolar etc. and I was prepared to fight to the death for that not to happen to me. Luckily, the doctor I had was very sweet and immediately validated everything I'd expressed and told me he'd be happy to refer me.

That GP appointment was on 23rd March 2023, and I was assessed exactly 3 months later on 23rd June 2023. The psychiatrist doing my assessment was lovely, though he was 10 minutes late which, to an autistic person, is absolute torture. It was online, lasted an hour longer than I was told it would, and was basically a deep-dive therapy session into all the issues I've had through my life. I laughed, I cried and before I knew it, it was over.

"From what I can see, I feel that you're fulfilling the criteria for Autism".

And that was it, done. It took a couple more days to get the official statement of "you fit the criteria" as he had to go away and confirm, and I didn't get the full report until a few weeks later, but as of that day I was officially diagnosed.

Honestly, there have been a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings through the whole thing. There still are, and I think there always will be. However, the overwhelming sense of finally understanding myself has been beyond liberating.

There was some skepticism from a couple of people at first (pre-diagnosis) which, to be honest, is understandable as it's a lot to process. Since the assessment though, I have never felt more embraced, understood or loved by everyone in my life than I do now.

I'm still trying to work out things like what my needs are, what my actual personality is, and what my genuine interests and goals are. Unmasking after 20+ years is a difficult thing to achieve, but I'm hoping to get there eventually.

This is really only the start. I'll be having more assessments for things like Occupational Therapy, CBT etc. to figure out what my needs are, especially with work, and trying to create healthy coping mechanisms for the mountains of social anxiety I've collected over the years, but it's a good first step.

I still think I have ADHD and once I feel ready I will ask for an assessment for that too.

I'm sure that in future posts I'll rant about the nuances of everything, but I don't think today is the day to do that.

I don't really know how to close this off other than to say that if anyone reading this wants to talk about any aspect of an ASD diagnosis, please know that I'd be happy to chat. It can be a terrifying, confusing and lonely experience and I will always try my best to be there for you.