I'm Dropping Out

Growing up, I never wanted to go to university, nor did I ever expect to get accepted into one, let alone actually enjoy it. Due to my mental and physical health struggles throughout school, but especially during 6th Form, I achieved below-average A-level grades (C, C, E). While at the time I was still unsure if I even wanted to go to uni, the likelihood I'd even be able to was slim. This is why, after nine months of working during a gap year, I took myself and my entire family by complete surprise by moving to Preston to study at the University of Central Lancashire.

Moving into a tiny uni flat within a busy U-shaped student hall, my life changed. As basic as it sounds, I finally found my independence. I had a fresh start, a social life, a large friendship group, a loving relationship that was nothing like my previous one (thank God). I had a home. I loved the course I was doing. While it wasn't quite what I had expected, it was challenging, yet easy enough to keep me comfortable, interest me and test my true abilities regardless of any previous grades or mistakes I'd made in the past. I was truly doing well socially, mentally and academically for the first time in my life.

Then came lockdown.

My boyfriend's incredibly generous family, after only being together for three months, offered for me to stay with them during the first wave, despite only having met me once before. Classes and friendships continued online and, although not the same, were better than nothing. I finished the academic year with high 2:1s and First-grade assignments, looking forward to the next year in September.

Within that summer break, my amazing family drove all the way out to visit at the first opportunity that they could, and I finally got to see my then-pregnant sister, and the complete excitement of becoming a first-time auntie finally hit home.

That September, we returned, moving into our new accommodation with friends, excited for the year ahead. Then, the academic year began and everything seemed to start going wrong.

My course was completely different now and my personal life kept taking hit after hit. Lockdown 2.0 had started. Stress and depression took over and my physical health took a sharp dip. I suddenly had some of the worst periods I have ever had, even to this day, and the friends I lived with had to spend a day comforting me, calling 999, and watching me writhe on the floor, screaming in pain and passing in and out of consciousness. I was, and still am, mortified. And as much as I love my boyfriend and friends, the one person I wanted to be there to scoop me up off the floor was the one person who couldn't be due to the new Covid restrictions in place; my mum. On Halloween, my grandma passed away. Although we'd been expecting it for several months at that point, it also felt as if it came out of nowhere and didn't truly hit me until the following March. This is something that I still, to this day, have a hard time processing. I had been very lucky that I got to see her a few weeks before she passed but, of course, only with masks on and never ever closer than 2 meters apart. I, with the support of my mum, decided not to attend her funeral due to several factors and, though it was absolutely the right decision, I do still carry some guilt for it.

No matter how hard I tried, or how badly I wanted to be motivated, I couldn't force myself to attend my online classes. This has been a problem for me since puberty. There's a joke about 'gifted kids' or children who were "a pleasure to have in class" that once they become a teenager, they burn out. For me it wasn't a joke; it was reality. It still is reality. Symptoms strongly suggesting ADHD and Autism have followed me since childhood, though nobody noticed, as they often don't with girls. They have always affected me but were now worse than ever. I was falling behind. My mental and physical health were deteriorating rapidly and I didn't know what to do about it.

I had gone completely numb.

"But that's how everyone felt" sure, but this felt different. This was different. Nobody felt motivated after months of being locked in the house, yet everyone I spoke to said the same thing "I can't be bothered to do my course, but I still love it". So what was wrong with me? Why didn't I love it? Then it hit. Like a landslide, it all came crashing down at once. I don't like the course I'm doing. It's a simple revelation, but one that was shrouded by everything else going on at the time.

Now what? I can't blag my way through a four-year university degree. I can't fake knowing a foreign language fluently. So what do I do? What do I want to do instead? I have no idea. I haven't ever known what I wanted to do, even as a child. So what can I do? What am I good at? I don't know anymore. What are my hobbies? What am I passionate about? I haven't had the time or energy for hobbies since I was a teenager.

Crap.

After many, many hours of deliberation, asking friends, and looking to my spirituality to help guide me, I called my parents and through quick breaths and streaming tears, told them "I can't do this anymore". They told me they loved me, I could come back home once the year was up, and we'd figure out what to do from there. And that's it; done.

I have no idea what I'm going to do; Find a job, become an intern, or join an apprenticeship. We'll find out. I'm terrified of what will happen, the rejection and self-doubt I will inevitably face, but surely it has to be better than the alternative of making myself suffer for 3 more years.

No matter what happens though, I'll always have my love for writing, hence this blog. I've had this creative muscle that's gone unused for years and I think it's about time I started training it again. How often, I don't know. I don't even know what I really want to write about yet. The main thing is that I'm doing it and for that, I'm proud of myself.

I've never been one to put myself out there, socially or otherwise, but it's time I stopped comparing myself to others and start doing what I actually want without fear of judgment.

So, I'm being brave.

I'm dropping out of uni.